A few more thoughts about Fyre Fest:
INSURANCE – How on earth didn’t this guy have festival / event insurance? That barely got mentioned in either of those documentaries yet it’s the most glaring thing that this whole operation was lacking, other than, ya know, an actual festival site. Or a festival. Just a little simple rain insurance could have saved the entire operation. That’s all I could think of when those torrential rains came down the night before the event. This Billy McDipshit had at least I thought surrounded himself with a bunch of actual event planners, or so it seemed from the docs. So how come none of them insisted he get insurance? That was so wild to me. Until it occurred to me that an insurance company probably wouldn’t even consider insuring an event that didn’t exist, right? I’m guessing that any legitimate insurance company would need to see that there was an actual event and want to see plans and contracts. I guess that would be a pretty good reason why there wasn’t insurance. But then how did any of these event planners let themselves get so deep into this? And how come nobody told Billy to use the whole rain storm as an excuse to pull the plug?
Why am I even attempting to apply any sort of logic to this entire shit show? If any of these ding dongs had at least the most trivial amount of logic they would have run to this hills looooooonnnnng before any of the attendees ever even boarded a plane for the island, much less actually arrived.
THE PILOT – Speaking of logic or lack thereof, who on earth would hire a pilot who said he learned to fly using Microsoft Flight Simulator? Oh yeah, I’m the dummy for even wondering about logic in this whole thing. My apologies.
THE NEW YORKER WRITER – I forget her name but she was a treat. Her and the financier guy had the same amount of glee when appearing onscreen, probably because they are the only two (non Bahamanians) who appeared in these docs who wasn’t at all culpable. Everybody else was. Sure some of them are saying they were just “following orders” and trying to get a paycheck, but those excuses haven’t flown in polite society since 1945. Shout out to her and every amazing quote she had every time she opened her mouth.
THE BAHAMANIANS – I felt so bad for that caterer lady. And then I read about her GoFundMe. And I felt a lot less bad. It really does say something about the innate goodness of most of us that she’s being paid back (threefold at the time of writing) for her losses, but so many more folks got duped and scammed. What about the bartender and the fixer and the contractors and the scores of workers who tirelessly toiled and didn’t get squat for their troubles? I hope the caterer shares her riches around the island, and based on how she comes off in the films I’m sure she will. And I hope anybody who sees these and goes down to the Bahamas for business OR pleasure, does their best to find the other folks affected by this and slide some work and good vibes their way.
Or, ya know, just go and donate to her right here!
SUCK DICK FOR CLEAN WATER DUDE – I’m still 100% pro-this-dude. I know I said everyone was complicit, but this dude was so willing to go above and beyond that I get the feeling that he didn’t really know how fucked everything was. I’m guessing that only thing this Billy Bonehead was good at was keeping as many people in the dark about the truth for as long as possible. Oh, and a knack for hiring complete dipshits. But this guy, he was literally WILLING TO SUCK DICK FOR CLEAN WATER. I really can’t stop wondering what he would have done in exchange for a contractor being able to actually build all the villas that they had sold. I can only assume it would look like a Great Adventure Theme Park In Sodom and Gomorrah on New Year’s Eve. Pre AIDS. OOOOOOHHHHHH the possibilities. I’m simultaneously shuddering and licking my lips at the same time.
Speaking of sucking dick for clean water, the first time I ever heard that phrase it came out of the mouth of one of the funniest, funnest, loveliest and most talented people I know… the one and only Eddie Eyeball. Back in 2003 we were hanging out and he told me that his lady was at Burning Man. When I asked “What’s she doing there?” He said, without hesitation, “probably sucking dick for clean water!” I almost died laughing and have carried that phrase around in the back pocket of my brain ever since, whipping it out at every chance I get. It’s become a complete go-to phrase in my group of friends and Rocks Off Compatriots over the years and it never ever ever gets old.
A few months ago Karina and I were in a fancy pants conference room for a pretty important business meeting regarding the future of Rocks Off. Anyone who knows me understands that any sort of business meeting with me will quickly become “unorthodox.” It’s not something I ever consciously tried to develop, it’s just part of my innate nature. When you add Karina to the mix and we are both “ON” the shit quickly goes from recreational to medicinal. And this was one of those days. My reputation precedes me, with good reason, but most folks typically, and naively, assume that the young and pretty woman with the pleasant demeanor is going to be the voice of reason, the grounded ying to my orbital yang. And seeing that setup always puts a twinkle in my eye. After about an hour of discussions and negotiations, she excused herself to go to the restroom. While she was gone we all started engaging in small talk about what everyone was up to for the upcoming holiday weekend. One feller in the meeting said “I’m going to Burning Man!” So I immediately said “Oh that should be fun. Are you looking forward to having to suck dick for clean water?” That went over about as well as you’d expect, especially in the post me-too summer of 2018. Everyone else in the room chose to pretend they hadn’t heard it and we kept talking about our weekends until Karina came back into the room. As soon as the door opened up Karina bounced in and said “What did I miss?” And I said “Chip here is going to his first Burning Man this weekend and she said “Oh shit! You gonna be sucking dick for clean water?!?!” I thought I was going to explode into laughter it I kept it together and we all pretended, once again, that nobody heard that. But everyone knew they had, and I’ve never been more proud.
To this day I still don’t get music festivals. And by “get” I mean “like. I just don’t enjoy the vibes. Rodney didn’t either. We preferred headline shows, indoors. The only exception was when we were to Little Steven’s Underground Garage Festival On Randalls Island in 2004. He never asked me to take him to another one. So I never did.