Like most people I know I watched both of those Fyre Fest docs and as you can imagine, if left me with a lot of thoughts. I’ve been producing events since I was 15 years old. I started out throwing hip hop shows at roller rinks and VFW Halls in Lowell, Massachusetts when I was in high school. So I’ve seen a LOT of things go wrong. And if there’s one overwhelming thing I learned over the years, it’s that you always need a plan B and a plan C. But, and this might seem obvious, you can go all the way down to a plan Z, but if you ain’t got your plan A all buttoned up, and especially if you’ve already taken people’s money, then you’re not only a fucking moron, but a complete piece of shit.
Which is Billy McFarland. But what wasn’t so obvious, bafflingly enough, was how that wasn’t obvious to anybody who came in contact with him. You’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, right? Bullshit. That’s how I judge the majority of my books. As do most people. That why literary houses spend so much money hiring book jacket designers. And why the books that sell the most are the ones that face forward on the shelves. If your cover isn’t at least in order, then I’m not gonna crack that fucker open to start reading. Who the fuck comes up with these dumb sayings? And even more so, who the fuck keeps propagating them in 2019?!
That smarmy fuckface Billy was identifiable as piece of shit at first look. It’s called your gut. And instinct. And those are my general guiding lights in life. You never have a second chance to make a first impression. But the one thing I do love about the world is that most people want to believe in the general goodness of others. Which I guess is why this fiasco-fest even got off the ground to begin with.
Of course it’s easy to see that this dude was a complete baboon of a buffoon. ESPECIALLY after watching these films. So I don’t need to go over all the reasons why I don’t like him. Instead, I’ll post my thoughts about some of the other folks that I hated. And maybe even one that I liked.
JA RULE – What is there even to say about this mountain of mediocrity? I’m surprised anybody even remembers the guy who could barely string together 8 bars on long forgotten Ashanti semi-hits is even still in the public consciousness. Remember when Ja took shots at Eminem? Nope. Nobody does. Because that one line he had about Haile didn’t even rhyme. What a dummy. But Eminem kept him relevant for a few extra months by ripping him a few new assholes that were bigger than Billy McFarland’s fat face. Back when Fyre was announced I knew something was rotten in Denmark when they said Ja Rule was involved. This is not a man that signifies success. How was a this jabroni who hadn’t been on a relevant track (much less had a hit) in 15 years supposed to draw in any young or trendy eyeballs, or lend any cred to the proceedings? This is a guy that would have a hard time getting booked at the opening of a car wash in 2017. Exhibit numero uno that whoever was at the head of this had extremely bad judgement. And taste. And, probably, hygiene.
FUCK JERRY – Fuck these guys. They came off moderately poorly in the Netflix doc, which doesn’t make sense since it turned out they had a hand in producing it. But even with that, they couldn’t actually make themselves out to actually look good, because they were all guilty as fuck and totally complicit in the whole thing and should be held accountable for all the losses and be named as defendants in all these lawsuits that are popping up. Then in the Hulu doc they come across as the completely sleazeballs they are. I used to think their memes were funny, but after watching the docs I unfollowed them on IG. I urge you to do the same. File them away with the Fat Jew as complete piece of shit criminal fraud fucksticks.
THE ASIAN GUY IN THE TANK TOP: I’m not sure if he had a name, but this piece of shit should be buried on a Bahamanian beach, up to his neck, have his face painted to look like a soccer ball, and then left out for practice kicks by every wanna be Beckham in a 50 island radius. When he started cutting holes in the other tents and stealing their pillows ands blankets so “nobody else could be next door to him” I wanted to jump through the TV screen and decapitate him with a rusty tin can top.
THE INFLUENCERS: Call me old fashioned, but I don’t trust anybody’s who’s famous without being talented. Look, Nardwuar is famous, and I don’t UNDERSTAND his talent, but it’s obvious he’s got some. But that dizzy dame on the plane who was whining about it not being a private jet? She can eat two sandpaper dicks… twice. Even before she opened her mouth I knew she was a useless stack of bone-shaped tent rods propping up a shallow stretch of skin when I saw her walking through the airport wearing her neck pillow. Total piece of shit move.
I could go on and on, but I don’t want to be completely negative. I’ve got to point out that there was one guy in the film who was a complete hero to me. And that’s the “I’M GETTING READY TO SUCK DICK FOR CLEAN WATER” guy. Behind every successful enterprise is at least one person who will do literally ANYTHING when it comes to taking one for the team. This guy was asked to go suck a custom’s officer’s dick so that he they would let a few shipping containers of Evian water pass customs and everyone would have drinking water at the festival. AND HE SAID OK AND WENT TO CUSTOMS! I’d give that guy a job in a heartbeat. He was the only guy in either film who MOST DEFINITELY had a soul. The only other SOUL-HAVING CREATURE (who wasn’t a local) was the one who started the @FyreFraud twitter account but his onscreen credit was “financier” so you know if he did actually have a soul, it was most definitely busied and battered. The weird thing about the SDFCW guy was that he took a shower and used the mouthwash BEFORE sucking corrupt island dick. I dunno, but if that were me, I’d be doing those things AFTER. But… potato, potahto.
Honorable mention to any moron who bought a ticket and actually boarded the plane to that shitshow. It’s a damn shame that we didn’t just leave them all there to play lord of the fruit flies.